


How Memory Burns

by rubyredwolves



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Canon Timeline, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gap Filler, Important Conversations, Not-Dying, Wayhaught - Freeform, Wayhaught Reunion, waverly's pov
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-17 13:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11852337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyredwolves/pseuds/rubyredwolves
Summary: Giving the seal to the Widows wasn't easy for Waverly, but the more she thought of Nicole, and the more she thought of how three little words were missing from her own mouth, the more she simply had to do it.(Fill-in-the-blanks fic from Waverly's perspective from 2x10 continuing in later chapters into 2x11 about the important conversations they have yet to attend to)





	1. Chapter 1

_Nicole_.

  
That was the only thing Waverly could think of: Nicole, laying there. Nicole, pleading desperately for the doctors to _make it stop_ . Pleading... That’s how she knew it was really bad.  


Thousands of thoughts were rushing through her head, whirling like the thundering, demonic storm they’d seen just the other week. Somehow this felt worse.  
  
The pain in Waverly’s gut didn’t cease, and she knew it wouldn’t. It was a clenching feeling, nauseating sickness threatening at her figure at every moment, breath remaining shortened and broken. _This can’t be happening_ was something she had never thought she’d be thinking. She was a half-revenant, her sister was the goddamn Earp heir, there was the threat of the curse of revenants looming over their heads from the day they were born, and they’d seen more demons in the past week than she’d seen in movies all her life. Nothing seemed _impossible_ to believe, not with so much loss in her life, but this? An impossible decision coupled with the love of her life on her deathbed, life seeming to slip away from her at any moment... Anything else seemed like nothing in comparison.  
  
_Nothing in comparison._  
  
That’s what she felt she was without Nicole right now. Her stomach twisted and she choked back the sob that once again almost tore through her body.  
  
She felt like nothing in comparison to how she felt when she was with her, and hell, was it apparent right now.  
  
“I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, “said that tear-stricken face, watery brown eyes tinted pink with puffiness looking up at her, paler and more pleadingly desperate than she’d ever seen, nothing but utmost earnesty upon her face. Nicole told her that because she knew she’d have to see Nicole’s wife, Waverly realized now. Even in desperate moments filled with too many sorries and problems that seemed barely palpable now, she cared so much to anticipate what would be to come and to consider how she’d feel. She had to let Waverly know she loved her, and she barely even got to say it back... Hell, she hadn’t said it back. But hell she loved her. She loved her more than she’d loved anyone before too, and she knew it. The lack of the simple words tore at her even more now. What if that was her last chance.  
  
That's what she's thought the last time though. She’d thought it would be her last chance, so as Willa’s cold, steely gaze glared at Nicole through the barrel of a gun, the frantic, fearful murmur passed her lips without even thinking.  
  
_Please, I love her._  
  
She'd wanted Nicole to know, just in case. The gun at her love’s chest had almost made her _own_ heart explode. She needed the words.  
  
She’d known it had been too much too soon. She’d wanted to make the _I love you's_ something special and important. She knew love took time; it took building up, and it took experience. It was more than just a simple statement to be thrown out there in the midst of every crisis.  
  
_Nope, we’re not doing this._

  
Waverly shut her eyes tightly at that memory. Her eyes were too teary for a declaration of love. It couldn't be like it was last time. It couldn't seem like something desperate, like something unreal and meaningless as a "just-in-case" precaution to make Nicole's moments happier then. Waverly wanted something else. She needed something basic, because normal was the most unnatural thing that could happen to them anyway. Normal was what they were fighting for. They weren’t fighting for a dying whisper. They were fighting for something happy and peaceful and gentle and utterly _them_ .  
  
Waverly always had imagined the words passing her lips as her head lay resting on Nicole's shoulder, watching a movie together and whispering about the wonders of the world, just talking about anything and everything there was to dwell upon. She wanted a moment of serenity for them. A special normal.

 

Hence, the promise that she was going to be fine came instead as her soft, small, shaking hand caressed the pearly skin of Nicole’s neck and face, brushing against her hair in an attempt at reassurance, wanting to hold her for dear life so that the doctors wouldn’t force her away again.

 

 _You're gonna be fine._  


That was her own incessant whisper. She wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince herself, or Nicole in that moment before she kissed her, trying to toss all that fear and apprehension away and exchange it for one more loving kiss between them.

 

She shut her eyes and took a deep breath.

 

When her lips parted, she felt cold seep into her, and it felt like a parting for good.

 

She felt like it was a parting for good, and she _still hadn’t said it._

  
A death-induced declaration wasn't what she wanted. It _couldn’t_ be like last time. She needed to tell Nicole when she _wasn't_ dying. She needed to tell her when she'd know she truly meant it and it wasn't spurred on in falsehoods.  
  
_When she wasn't dying._  
  
But what if when she wasn't _dying_ anymore, she was _dead_ .  
  
Waverly's eyes went glassy.  
  
Her love's pained face, gray and contorting in anguish was suddenly seared into her vision.  
  
_It burns._  
  
Tears spilled down her cheeks as more and more welled up in her eyes. Her eyes were burning too. She choked back a sob and almost keeled over again, entire frame quivering and gut wrenching and knees weakening and breath becoming shorter and shorter until she was pretty sure this was what hyperventilating felt like.  
  
She balanced herself, arms straightening to hold herself up, hands now tightly gripping Nedley's desk as she looked down upon it.  
  
_Fuck_ .  


Her knuckles were white and her breaths were still shallow.

  
This wasn't what she asked for from the damn witch. She'd wanted another way... But what if _this_ was the only way, and that’s why she was pointed here..?  
  
Tears spilled again, but she was silent and she wiped them away quickly.  
  
What if Wynonna really couldn't do it...  
  
The thought made her sicker.  
  
She stared at the ring that had been resting beneath her the whole time after she’d overturned Nedley’s mug. The ring was glinting in the light, and the shimmer reflecting against the purple stone almost reminded her of the light of Nicole's eyes, those warm, brown, sweet, caring eyes that loved her so much. She regained focus as more tears spilled away, making her vision less watery, and the ring was just a ring again. Cold, with sharp edges. The seal. A cold, simple object that happened to be the very key to bringing back the warmth in a wonderful woman's very complex and beautiful eyes. Eyes that would be even warmer, she knew, once she'd get to tell the woman she loved her too...  
  
She made her decision. Her fingers curled around the ring, tentatively at first, lips pressing together as a last sniffle was stifled and she gulped away her guilt. Then her fingers clenched more tightly.

 

And then she made a fist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicole is saved and now it's their chance to talk about all that's happened and do their proper apologies… Well, kind of.

She’d done it. She really had. After the decision was made, she couldn’t hesitate, she couldn’t cave, or her steely countenance would falter and fail instantly.

_One foot in front of the other. Just keep going._

The metal dug into her palm as her white-knuckled grip twitched more tightly.

_Deep breaths._

Even Dolls had agreed it had to be done. This was _her_ baby. Not Wynonna’s, not Jeremy’s, not Rosita’s, not Doc’s, not anyone else’s. This was her baby, and if no one else could do it, she had to be sure.

A cold, metal object, for the warm, soft eyes she adored so much.

Before she knew it, the deal was made, and the seal was given, stoic, simplicity in her mind, words always short and curt, gaze steady and even with the harsher hazel of the widow’s.

Sure, her stomach churned when it was finally handed over, but as soon as it was, and that wicked, pale hand curled around the seal with malicious joy, some of that turmoil shifted to a feeling of utter relief… and a need to see Nicole.

The widow had to have followed through with the deal.

Next thing she knew, she was sprinting, footfalls jagged and stiff from all that tension the day had brought her, but she never stopped. Even when her breaths turned ragged and heavy and sweat began to sheen upon her forehead, she kept going. When the cold, hospital-scented air hit her, she kept moving, pace ever-hurried and line of sight never failing until she was back in the same room as the woman she loved.

She stopped at the door, seeing Nicole still lying there, pale and ghostly.

Her heart stopped for a moment, and her eyes stared, unblinking, and frozen in fear.

But then came a gasp. Nicole gasped.

The doctor standing by seemed to be shocked, bustling about frantically as he noticed her sudden awakening, but Waverly paid no heed, barely registering his presence just as she barely now registered the presence of Nicole’s supposed “wife.”

No one else mattered because of one thing:

She was okay.

_“Baby!”_

The words passed her lips without even meaning to, and she rushed over to the bedside of her beloved.

“Nicole, Nicole, I’m here, baby, I’m here, oh god, you’re okay, you’re okay, I’m here.”

A splutter and gasp came from the woman, and Waverly thought she’d never heard a more beautiful sound.

“Wa-Waves,” she breathed, weak dimples forming at the edges of her cheeks already, rosiness just starting to color her face again.

Adrenaline pumped through Waverly’s veins and she could barely hear Nicole’s questions. She stayed silent, shaking her head and gazing at Nicole.

Those big, brown eyes met Waverly’s wet ones, crinkled and searching her face as if the meaning of life was scrawled upon Nicole’s face. In a way, it was, for as her eyes scanned her face, she was met with such a feeling of love and radiating relief from her. Waverly’s lips were pressed together in silence as she took in the sight of Nicole awakening fully again, shaking her head in utter relief as a sigh wracked through her body, seeming to push out the tension that had only been mounting more and more within her.

God, was her baby beautiful.

Suddenly, she couldn't stop the tears from falling relentlessly down her face. They kept streaming, and sobs coursed through her, as if the determined dam on her emotions all day finally broke in a massive cascade.

Her thin arms wrapped around Nicole, pressing her body against that blue hospital gown, letting her own warmth seep into Nicole as she clung on, quaking.

_“It’s a miracle, her vitals are back up all of a sudden, it’s a miracle, wha-”_

Again, there weren’t many thoughts. Just relief. So much relief that her body wouldn’t stop shaking with it, couldn’t stop, and Nicole’s hands smoothing soft circles on her back weren’t even able to stop the sobbing.

_“It’s a miracle, I don’t understand what happened!”_

Other doctors and nurses began poking their heads in to see what was happening as well, and Shae stood with her hands over her mouth, eyes widened, but giving Waverly and her girlfriend space.

Waverly’s nose nestled into Nicole’s shoulder, and Nicole craned her head upward to rest her cheek against Waverly’s head, pulling her closer, eyes shutting as she squeezed.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re _okay_ ,”

“Yeah, baby, I’m okay; I’m okay.”

Soft words and constant caresses kept coming until both of their breathing became even and they matched, neither moving from their position, Nicole cradling Waverly, and Waverly hugging her tightly, Nicole occasionally giving an apologetic glance to Shae and the doctor before looking back to Waverly, complete focus returning to the smaller woman.

Silent happiness was all there was, really. There were no need for sorries yet, not explanations, not even that blurry image of Wynonna’s disappointed, hurt, and angry face that was sure to come in the back of her mind… Not with the mutual understanding in the room that being _grateful_ was the only feeling they could really have at this time. They were together, and, as Waverly said, sorries could be saved for later. Consequence could be saved for later.

She didn’t plan to go back on her plan of making hats. She was _very_ much definitely going to make hats.

Waverly smiled into the crook of Nicole’s neck, finally sitting up beside her, loosening the gentle-but-tight embrace as to shift upright, and as she breathed in that familiar vanilla scent coming from her skin, thoughts were again erased, anxieties gone.

“Hey.” she smiled, eyebrows furrowed in earnest, quietly tucking a red lock of hair behind the paler woman’s ear.

Nicole smiled, leaning into the brush of Waverly’s fingers. “Hey,” she murmured gently, hoisting herself up to sit properly next to Waverly, legs swinging off the bed, and Waverly instinctively came to rest her forehead against the cop’s chest before looking up at the taller woman and holding her hand.

Waverly dimly registered the image of Shae exiting the room with a resigned smile on her face for the pair of lovers, nodding and walking out, hand still over her mouth in shock at Nicole’s seemingly magical recovery.

Nicole continued. “Waves, I’m _so_ sorry, no one should have their thoughts controlled, and I’ve always thought honesty was the best policy, and I just -- I was scared to see you hurt, and I should have never let that fear control me because I know you’re your own person and you’re perfectly strong and capable of anything and everything, and I shouldn’t have even doubted that for a second -- and I - I, I let myself keep quiet, and I-” Her voice had such a tremor in it that Waverly could only shake her head.

“Nicole, I _forgive_ you.”

Earnest eyes looked up into the big brown ones now brimming with unfallen tears.

Nicole swallowed.

“Y-you do?”

Waverly leaned her head into Nicole’s chest.

“You were doing what you thought was best, and I- I reacted too harshly. I didn’t acknowledge how sorry you were, even when you perfectly demonstrated that you _knew_ it had been wrong and why it was wrong and how…” She shook her head, swallowing. “I didn't listen, Nicole, and I didn’t give you a chance to explain, because I was bitter… and honestly, some of the anger was my frustration at not being… y’know… an Earp…”

Waverly looked down, squeezing her girlfriend's hand. The words still tasted bitter in her mouth. But she knew now to attribute that bitterness to the words. Not to Nicole.

What Nicole had done had been wrong, but she was fixing it, and they were moving forward. She, of all people, knew about bad decisions and mistakes.

Her stomach lurched with guilt at the thought of pressing Rosita’s lips to her own. Yeah, Rosita was an attractive woman, pretty, kind, caring, intelligent, inspiring, sweet, funny… But it wasn’t the same. There was no spark there as lips met. It had almost felt like as much nothing as it had always used to with Champ. Not bad, but… not good. More like nothing. But worse than nothing, because she knew it’d hurt Nicole the second she went through with it, and that’s when the regret settled in, immediately pouring into her stubborn mind with horror. She’d been searching for sweet to take away the bitter, but it turned out the combination turned cloying, and she wanted to recoil at the memory, soft, glossed lips feeling like a sticky-sweet travesty when compared to Nicole’s perfect vanilla-dipped donut ones, peachy and divine someway. In memory, soft lips were sharp and biting.

And, _oh god_ , that text.

“I’m still so so sorry, baby.”

“I know, but it’s okay, and we’re moving forward and building from here.”

She squeezed Nicole into her side, closing her eyes again.

“I have a lot to apologize for too, you know…”

“Baby, no, no you don-”

“Yes” Waverly said, eyes flitting up to meet Nicole’s own with determined intensity. “I do.”

Nicole’s head tilted to the side slightly, imploring, but letting the smaller brunette continue.

“I- I… There’s so much-”

The text raced through her mind, act of determination gone wrong into malicious thoughtlessness. The kiss. Frantic, defiant searching for something to numb her. The long-ago protectiveness of not letting Nicole sign the blood-oath, a hauntingly similar comparison to what was done with the DNA results, she now realized. Trying to get attention while she was working, even though she knew how important her job was… Letting Nicole walk out when Wynonna walked in on them, never telling her to stay or even reassuring her in the moments… Not saying those three words even though she knew they were true…

Fuck, there was a lot.

“Waves?”

She hadn’t realized how long she was pausing in her guilt, thoughts being turned over in her head more and more…

She furrowed her brow, looking down still, but silently squeezing her hand.

“I-”

“Nicole Haught, we’d like to ask you some questions, and you should lay down, your recovery is an absolute miracle to us.”

Of course. The doctors had to come in. Medical science-y stuff they needed to know, and probably some insurance for themselves too. Naturally.

_Really will have to dedicate a whole day and make hats now for sure, huh._

Waverly cleared her throat softly and looked down awkwardly as Nicole began answering questions after questions, talking to the doctors, and Waverly was left to her own thoughts.

_Miracle_.

Something like that. An angel, half-revenant, not-earp, short gay girl in a leopard print fur coat with tears everywhere. Close enough.

Her eyes were cast downward into her lap and she squeezed her hands, clenching her jaw.

_Miracle_.

Would it be a miracle when an ancient, powerful demon came back to life to reunite with sister-wife widows and take over the world and destroy them all?

Well, that’s a type of miracle… Kind of a dark apocalyptic-sounding one though…

The blurry image of Wynonna’s face suddenly sharpened in her vision. Her sister, or, well, her not-sister… Her Wynonna. She’d betrayed Wynonna and done the one thing her sister hadn’t wanted her to do… And now her own sister could end up in mortal peril… All of them could.

Her stomach churned. Silence with her ever-whirring thoughts was never really a good idea for her mental stability, but here, on the hospital bed, with talking to Nicole inaccessible, she felt sick again.

_Fuck_.

She wanted to bury her face in her hands. She would have if she didn’t have Nicole at her side. Even without a conversation, somehow, Nicole held her up, and to be honest, she knew she had to be strong for her right now. It was her own decision and her baby had needed her.

Still, her mouth went dry. There was good and bad. It was a mix. The good was _really_ good… But the bad was also _really_ bad…

When the doctors left, she let Nicole hold her for a while as Nicole whispered what the doctors told her to Waverly. 

“Waking up to you was the best miracle I could’ve wished for, baby.”

Nicole tilted her head and pulled away slightly as she saw Waverly’s slumped shoulders and the glassiness in her eyes.

“Are you okay, baby?”

She met her eyes, questioning, and Waverly could barely meet them. She leaned into Nicole again, chin on her blue-cladden shoulder, nose resting in ginger curls, the scent familiar.

“Yeah,” she said with a smile. Her eyes had a glazed-over look to them. “Just was really worried about you.” 

The pair leaned into each other again as they held each other.

“I’m here baby. The doctors may not know what happened, but hey, I’m here with you now, Waves. 

She pressed a smile into her neck, going back to their previous position of sitting side by side, holding hands, reflecting.

The link tethered Waverly to reality. Nicole’s soft thumb caressed the top of her hand, and that little bit of pressure, that little bit of contact, was enough to be an anchor. The silence became serene and she didn’t think again, face blackened.

She felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be.

But that’s when Wynonna burst in and her senses went into a sudden overdrive.

Wynonna’s voice came through the door. “Waverly, I have the _best_ news!”

Blankness became brokenness, eye’s turning glassy, numb to even Nicole’s hand now. Numb to even Nicole’s smile.

Just like so many times before, her face fell as Wynonna busted through the door.

This time, it was worse. It wasn’t just an interruption of alone time. This was a too real reminder. 

Of course, Wynonna was happy for Nicole to be okay, but Waverly’s eyes went directly to the vial in the taller woman’s grasp. 

Wynonna had done it. All those what-ifs were for naught…

Wynonna saw Waverly’s expression, and the look in Waverly’s mind that she’d seen before broke forth directly into reality. Dissapointment and defeated shock fell all over Wynonna’s previously delighted face.

“I… told you to wait…”

Waverly looked up at Wynonna, then back down again, defiance for the woman next to her coming back to her mind, steely gaze saying “ _I had to_ ,” but her heart still bursting with guilt because… Apparently she hadn’t had to.

“I gave you my word I’d find a cure… and, and I did…”

The vial glinted in Waverly’s eye, and she had to look down again.

Nicole would have been fine. And now she’d royally screwed them all… And now, with a demon unleashed, Nicole could be lost _again_. And so could Wynonna.

“Waverly… What did you do?” Came the breath.

And Waverly broke.

She broke as badly as she’d broken her big sister’s trust that day.

She had to save Nicole… And maybe it was her own stubbornness and her mindset that _she_ had to be the one to save her that would damn them all…

Thinking about it felt like getting punched in the gut.

Wynonna’s striking, examining eyes were too much. Wynonna knew. Nicole would know of her brashness too. Everyone would know. Nicole be at death’s door _again_ and so could Wynonna.

Wynonna’s face was burning her eyes and her mind. Or maybe the tears were what were burning her eyes. She wasn’t sure.

Either way, she rushed out of there, gathering her coat and shaking her head to try to ward off Wynonna’s reprimanding tone away from her ears. She knew she’d had to have done it no matter what to ensure Nicole’s safety… But knowing there could have been such an easier way without the consequences… It was a daunting feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I look forward to writing Nicole's perspective about what just went down; sorry for such a delay, I just started college lol, but I'll get back into the swing of things now :) Also, any feedback is welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was okay lol -- I love some angst, but real talk, Wayhaught has a lot of important things to talk about, so next chapter is gonna be the start of that conversation that had probably been cut off by Wynonna's return in the episode. Plus, it'll be the emotional Wayhaught reunion of course :)


End file.
